Perfection isms

For a while after creating an Instagram, I put off writing my first “real” post. I thought it would be about the most important thing I learned from my great coaching experience (coming soon), but then I kept putting it off. And rethinking it. And imagining what my first, perfect post would look like.

Then I had a week where I didn’t do much besides finally secure a domain and start on this website. Well, it is the Saturday of that week as I’m writing this, and it’s been one of those days I know well. Waking up late, feeling bad, and wanting to turn my mind off, binge shows, and emotionally eat.

At one point during the day while baking cookies (my other cookies ran out), I did at least have the clarity to ask for help. I didn’t know how to get myself to just DO something good for myself. I was in that seemingly powerless state, but I did genuinely want to live out my calling and end the despair loop, so I asked God/the universe for help.

Then…I watched an episode of a show where one of the characters completely self-sabotaged herself by nearly ruining her own wedding. The excuses were that she didn’t believe in herself and didn’t think herself worthy enough. I thought wow, how can people go that far?? I know I’m worthy of it all! (Maybe even sometimes to an arrogant extent.) Then the episode ended, I got to thinking, and decided to journal.

Me after about two minutes: “…O. M. G. Am I sabotaging myself??? Is this the root of all my issues?” 🙄

So naturally, I turned to the internet. One of the results that came up talked about borderline personality disorder and how it can cause self-sabotaging behaviors. This detail wouldn’t have been very important if I had not, just two days earlier, been handed a DVD and told to read the back description because the main character reminded them of me. The first sentence was about how the character had this same disorder 😑 to which I replied “What?? That’s not me!” (For the record, it was insisted that they didn’t mean that part of the description.)

No, I don’t believe I have BPD. The point is, these types of connections tend to happen when you’re open to (or being forced to) see what you need to see. “Procrastination, perfectionism, poor self-care…” = all types of self-sabotage I’ve definitely made into patterns. The big question then became - but why?

As I journaled more to myself, I realized the answer is because I didn’t want to be seen fully, publicly imperfect. It’s a story all perfectionists know well…in my head, I can feel my own version of perfection, I can see how I could do things so well and perfectly, but then when I decide to externalize these ideas, I scrutinize every detail and see all of its perceived imperfections. It becomes not what I imagined, and a disappointment.

So, I sabotage, prevent myself from creating at all, and stay in the small, perfect land in my mind, developing a false sense of accomplishment. Why create, when it will always be a disappointment compared to what I envisioned?

Well, I now have several answers to that question for myself and all of you who can relate.

I was once told my perfectionism was detrimental. (Black Swan, anyone?) I’ve decided to turn it into an opportunity instead. Since I have so much to say on the topic, I’ve split my thoughts on dealing with perfectionism into a series of posts. If you are reading this post, then the ideas must have worked.